A Collection of Breakup Letters to John Deere

Deere John,

It's not me. It's you. It's definitely you.
The breakup letter the agriculture industry has been waiting to send

Farmers have been composing this letter in their heads for years — usually while sitting in a broken-down combine watching the harvest window close. Here it is, finally, in writing.

Spring, Rural America — First Day of Planting Season (Naturally)
Deere John,

I've been putting off writing this letter for a while now. Every year I tell myself things will get better. Every year I turn the key at 5am and wait to see which version of you shows up — the dependable workhorse I fell in love with, or the $400,000 paperweight with a proprietary error code and a two-week service queue.

I want you to know this hasn't been easy. My grandfather bought one of yours. My father bought one of yours. I bought two of yours and a combine another combine three combines. I have given you more money than I have given anyone or anything in my life, including my mortgage, my children's college funds, and my first marriage several years of therapy.

But somewhere along the way, you changed. It wasn't enough to sell me the tractor anymore. You needed to sell me the right to use the tractor. The software. The diagnostic access. The GPS subscription that lets me drive in a straight line — a feature I managed, I'll note, with my own two eyes for thirty years.

Remember when a tractor broke down, a neighbor could help fix it? Remember when "I know a guy" was a valid repair strategy? You ended that. You and your proprietary service terminals and your dealer-only diagnostic laptops and your licensing agreements that I technically agreed to at 5am during planting season when I would have agreed to anything.

I've tried to make it work. I really have. I've paid the service fees. I've waited for the technicians. I once left a message with your customer support line and received a callback during the exact three minutes I was in the field without cell service, which I choose to believe was not intentional.

So here we are, John. It's over. Or rather — I'm over it. I deserve a tractor I actually own. My fields deserve better. And honestly, your tractors deserve to be fixed by someone who loves them — which, after that last repair invoice, is not going to be me.

It's not me. It's you. It's the entire post-2010 business model, really.

With a heavy heart and a very clear-eyed accountant,
Every Farmer Who's Missed a Harvest Window
Operator (Not Owner) of Record · Rural America
P.S. I'm keeping the hat. The green-and-yellow hat is comfortable and I've earned it.
P.P.S. I've found someone else. They're red. I'm not proud of it, but here we are.
P.P.P.S. My neighbor says there's a guy in Ukraine who can fix your software in twenty minutes. I'm just saying.
Some Levity

Jokes to Tell While Waiting for a Technician

How many John Deere dealers does it take to fix a tractor?
One, but he can't come out until Thursday, the part is four to six weeks, and the diagnostic fee is non-refundable even if the answer is "have you tried turning it off and on again."
What's the difference between a John Deere and a bad relationship?
With a bad relationship, at least you own yourself. With a John Deere, that's subject to the licensing agreement.
A farmer calls John Deere support. He says, "My tractor won't start." The rep says, "What error code are you seeing?" The farmer reads it. Long pause. The rep says, "You'll need to see a dealer." The farmer says, "Can you at least tell me what the code means?" Another long pause.
"That's proprietary information, sir."
My John Deere broke down during harvest and the error screen said SERVICE REQUIRED. I called the dealer. He said the first available appointment was in 11 days. I said, "Harvest will be over in 11 days." He said,
"Yes, I know. We have a lot of appointments right now."
Why did the farmer switch to a red tractor?
He got tired of being in a green relationship where he had no rights.
What do a John Deere warranty and a Dear John letter have in common?
Both contain a lot of fine print explaining why you're not getting what you thought you were getting.
John Deere's new tractor drives itself, has a climate-controlled cab, and a 12-inch touchscreen. The farmer asked, "What happens when it breaks?" The salesman smiled and said,
"Ha! You're not in the plan."
From the Community

More "Deere John" Letters

Farmers, ranchers, and rural folk across America have been composing these letters in their heads for years. Here are a few.

Deere John,
I watched $80,000 worth of soybeans go unharvested last September because your combine had an error code that only your technician could reset, and he was in another county. I did not cry. I am a grown man of 58 years. But I want you to know it was close.
— Dale
Soybeans, mostly. Iowa.
Deere John,
I just want to understand the math. The tractor cost $312,000. The GPS that makes it drive straight costs $1,800 a year. Without the subscription, it still drives itself — just not straight. Is this a service or a hostage situation? Asking sincerely.
— Margaret
Third-generation wheat farm, Kansas
Deere John,
My father bought a John Deere in 1987 and fixed every problem it ever had himself, in the barn, with regular tools. Last month I couldn't even check the fault codes on mine without a $4,000 proprietary laptop. Progress, I guess.
— T. Harmon
Nebraska, sadly
Deere John,
I switched to red last year. I want you to know it wasn't a decision I made lightly. I thought about you every day during spring planting as I fixed my own equipment with my own tools and paid my own local mechanic and drove a tractor that was simply, quietly, mine.
— Former customer
Minnesota (free at last)
Deere John,
The tractor is in my name. The loan is in my name. The land it works has been in my family for four generations. At what point does the software become mine? I've asked three people at your company. Each one transferred me to someone else. I'm on hold right now. Writing this letter is how I'm passing the time.
— Still on Hold
Ohio (estimated wait: 47 min)
Deere John,
I bought a used John Deere and later discovered it had a geofence from the previous owner's loan still on it. The tractor wouldn't run outside a certain area. That area did not include my fields. I had purchased a very expensive yard ornament.
— Name Withheld
(For obvious reasons)
Your Turn

Write Your Own "Deere John" Letter

Got your own story, joke, or long-overdue breakup letter? We want it. The best submissions will be featured here, read aloud at county fairs, and possibly forwarded to a certain legal department in Moline, Illinois.

✓ Letter received and logged. We're sorry it came to this. (We're not sorry.)

The Business End

Attn: John Deere Legal, Moline IL

Hi. We know you're reading this. We hope your harvest season is going better than the people above. In the spirit of the free market — which, as you know, used to include the right to fix things you purchased — we'd like to make you an offer.

DeereJohn.com — For Sale

This domain, this content, and our deeply held opinions

$2,400,000

Approximately the cost of three combines, or one combine plus parts and the software license to start it.

What you get: The domain. The content. The quiet satisfaction of making us disappear — which will probably generate more press coverage than the site itself. But that's your call.


Counter-offer we'd also accept: Public support for Right to Repair legislation. Allowing independent mechanics to access diagnostic software. Removing geofencing from equipment that's been paid off. Calling Dale back — he's been waiting.


What you don't get: The community. The memories. The Ukrainian forum post that's been shared 40,000 times. Those aren't ours to sell.


Offer expires at the start of next harvest season, at which point this site will be too busy to negotiate.